


pepper

by unsafe



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Drug Use, Drugged Sex, Experimental Style, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Minho | Lee Know are Siblings, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jilix fwbs, Jilix skinny-dipping in a disgusting pond, M/M, Main ships r hyunlix and minchan btw but all the ones that r tagged will show up, Mental Health Issues, Minchan sleepover you love to see it, Points of View, Poverty, Sad chan, Vignette, chan and minho work at a corner store together, changbin weed dealer in a robe!, consensual af tho, felix loves to sing, hyunjin loves to touch felix, hyunjin wears a pretty dress, i love minho he's the best person alive, tags will be added as story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:48:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28364163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsafe/pseuds/unsafe
Summary: Hyunjin was conflicted - he had the feeling that if he so desired, Felix could turn this moment into their eternal purgatory.🌧️But would that be better?Would that be giving up?🌧️Hyunjin didn't want to return home, didn't want to pass through the ruined town of Sinsong and be reminded of just how far of a climb awaited him. He didn't want to see his parents.But if there was a chance of escape, he didn't want to surrender just yet.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 18
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello, welcome to my first fic. im not sure where itll take me yet. its set up as a series of vignettes, so forgive me if the plot or lack thereof is a little muddy.

** 성인식1 **

****

*****

The air was humid, so much so that stepping outside for even a moment would coat one in a thin layer of perspiration. Nobody was safe from it, the unrelenting thickness of the atmosphere, the bright green of all the trees - they were loving this weather, shining almost neon as they bounced happily whenever a breeze happened to pass through. Even the flowers had grown more saturated, pleased and full of color as they were trampled by bare feet.

_"Just a perfect day, drink Sangria in the park-"_

With his eyes shut, Hyunjin was forced to rely on the mellifluous voice for direction. Like the Pied Piper leading a child to god knows where. There was nothing in Hyunjin's world except sweat, thick air, and the voice. He could feel the sunshine on his skin, but in this darkness, he could pretend it did not exist. 

_"Oh, it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you-"_

The voice was sweet and drawing closer as Hyunjin advanced. The pitter-pat of feet on grass had ceased. Hyunjin opened his eyes to the meadow, clean and colorful and definitely not a place that he belonged. Bringing his hands up to his face to examine, he saw the layers of crust beneath the nails - made it clear that he didn't deserve this.

Felix was sitting down already, continuing with the song as he allowed his eyes to fall shut in bliss, transferring watch duties over to Hyunjin wordlessly. In order to preserve some of the meadow's dignity, Hyunjin shrugged off his windbreaker, using it as a thin barrier between him and nature. Felix, on the other hand, sunk into the environment as though it were his. In some ways, it was.

He was naked save for a flimsy pair of disgusting swim trunks, stretching out until he was flat on his back. An ant crawled over the flat, freckled expanse of his tummy. It was soon followed by another - and another. Felix had an audience for the song now, and he made no moves to dislodge the insects. Ordinarily, Hyunjin would've been repulsed. But a strange part of him found it beautiful, wondered if the meadow would suck Felix in entirely.

_"Just a perfect day, you made me forget myself-"_

Hyunjin reached out and ran a hand over the smooth, dirt-speckled skin on Felix's arm. He didn't move, not even a little. His eyes were still shut, eyelashes tickling the tops of his cheeks. It was as if he had ceased to exist completely - his voice, his physical form were meaningless if nothing was left inside of them. It was worrying and exciting all at once. Hyunjin couldn't recall a time in his life wherein he'd ever left his body. He couldn't recall one moment wherein he'd been satisfied.

_"I thought I was someone else, someone good-"_

The words were drawn out, to the point where Hyunjin could barely even focus on their meaning. He moved his hand to Felix's chest, feeling his heartbeat. It was slow and steady and strong. Very much alive. Very much warm. One finger circled a nipple, and not even that drew a reaction from his friend. The serene smile on his lips seemed permanent and it should've been a moment of calm.

_"Oh, such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on-"_

Hyunjin was conflicted - he had the feeling that if he so desired, Felix could turn this moment into their eternal purgatory. But would that be better? Would that be giving up? Hyunjin didn't want to return home, didn't want to pass through the ruined town of Sinsong and be reminded of just how far of a climb awaited him. He didn't want to see his family. But if there was a chance of escape, he didn't want to surrender just yet.

Turning his head towards the sky, he noticed some bloated, blue-black clouds beginning to paint the horizon. If Hyunjin's touch couldn't get Felix to leave his sanctuary, perhaps the rain could. Perhaps the rain would cleanse Sinsong, washing away all the grime and graffiti and illness and garbage. Perhaps when Hyunjin returned, a bearable scene would await him. 

_"You're going to reap just what you sow, you're going to reap just what you sow-"_

The first drops began to fall, trapping one of Felix's tummy ants in a drowning chamber. Hyunjin trailed his long fingers down his friend's side, and there was not even a shiver. When he dipped his hand beneath the muddy waistband of those old swim trunks, he was greeted with much of the same. Smooth, warm, dirty skin - the good kind of dirty, unlike Hyunjin's filth. 

When the rain started proper, Felix's voice deepened in a way Hyunjin hadn't expected. He repeated the same line over and over, as if he didn't want the song to end. There was something in that determination that was interesting to Hyunjin, interesting and unspeakably sad. He didn't dare interrupt. His two longest fingers gently brushed against the base of Felix's penis, knowing he wouldn't move.

_"You're going to reap just what you sow, you're going to reap just what you sow-"_

The two were drenched, the rain cleaning the dirt and mud off of Felix's body as Hyunjin dared to move his hand further - millimetre by millimetre. They would both have to return to Sinsong, Hyunjin wouldn't abandon Felix here - but the moment could be stretched out. But as Hyunjin began to stroke the dick to hardness, that repeated line seemed to become more and more of a warning.

It was only when he retracted his hand out of fear that Felix opened his eyes. Like black marbles, the irises rolled over to meet Hyunjin's gaze. 

"Still too scared?" Felix giggled, and hearing him speak rather than sing made it clear that he wasn't entirely sober. He sat up, leaving the ants to fight to stay on board. Hyunjin felt as though he couldn't speak - his mouth was dry and the emotions that bubbled up within him were fingerpainted into incoherency. "We should get going before the rain gets worse, yeah?"

Hyunjin nodded and moved to stand, but Felix reached out and grabbed him, keeping him seated. 

He kissed him.

It was only one little gesture, but it gave Hyunjin the fire he needed to walk back to his home.

* * *

** 성인식2 **

****

*****

In the town of Sinsong, there were two corner stores. One was part of a relatively-famous chain, the lone sign that this town belonged to South Korea and not the devil. It was large and spacious and though it was coated in the same grime that was lathered over the whole town, it was something of a refuge. A glimmer of normalcy.

It sold almost everything one could desire. Fresh fruit. Snacks. Magazines. Hygiene products. 

It did not sell cigarettes.

For this reason, it was the dingy, privately-owned corner store that was more popular among the citizens of Sinsong. This second store had limited goods and something of an insect problem - the lights flickered and went off at random. The aisles were tall and narrow, and one had to weave through them like thread, hastily filling the shopping basket until reaching the register, wherein they could pick up their cancer sticks from the cashier.

Chan had initially requested a cashier position, but upon seeing his sturdy build, the old woman who ran the store insisted that he'd be more suited to other work. Accepting heavy boxes of groceries, arranging them on the shelves, taking inventory - basically, any work that wasn't done by the cashier fell on Chan's shoulders. The store's golden boy, the jack of all trades.

His shifts were long and arduous and the mosquitoes loved him. The roaches seemed to take a liking to him as well, surprising him by racing over his shoes - the pay was low, but he had to support his family somehow. 

Sheets of rain were falling from the sky when he stepped outside for some fresh air. The store's awning provided shelter from the storm, but there was someone nearby who was preventing Chan from getting the fresh air he so desperately needed. Clouds of smoke drifted towards him, trapping him.

"You're taking a break _now?"_ Came the smoker's voice. Chan turned to face him, furrowing his brow in irritation. He could easily ask Minho the same question, seeing as he was on cashier duties and knew better than to leave his post while customers were still milling about inside. A line was probably forming.

"Just for a second," Chan sighed, leaning up against the wall of the store, dirtying his shirt in the process. Sinsong's filth knew no bounds. "I needed some fresh air." That last phrase was delivered with as much venom as Chan could muster, which wasn't much. Minho was simply too pretty, too intimidating - he had no right to care as little as he did and simultaneously force Chan into caring too much. No right at all.

His laugh was pretty, but the smoke cloud he blew at Chan was decidedly ugly and spiteful. "You think you'll find fresh air out here?" He grinned, flashing his perfectly white teeth - smokers were supposed to have yellow teeth. Chan knew this, and it was part of the mystery of Minho - steeped in filth, yet coming out clean every single time. "Besides, I'm closing shop early today. My grandma's fine with it, she said people won't bother walking through the storm."

Chan cocked his head in surprise, looking Minho in the eyes. Black, beautiful eyes. Long lashes and perfect lips that inhaled the smoke over and over until there was nothing left of the cigarette. A painting of a man. A masterpiece. "How early?" There was a waver in Chan's voice that likely betrayed his absence of mind.

"Now," Minho stated simply, clamping the toe of his shoe over the butt of his cigarette, extinguishing it. Very little smell lingered. "Whoever's inside can finish their shopping, but you can go home if you want. Make sure your brother got home okay. I know you've been worried about him-"

Minho rarely talked at length like that, much less about Chan's life. Chan's family.

"I'm sure he's fine, but-" Chan started. He wanted to badly to feign nonchalance the way Minho did, and he simply couldn't. Minho was right, he was worried. Super-duper worried. Worried to the point where his stomach did that annoying twist, the one that made him queasy and covered in goosebumps. "You're right- you're right. If you're really okay with it, I should really get going-"

"You go on ahead. God knows what those two got up to today," Minho smiled - a tiny smile, just the corners of his mouth, but it was one of the softest expressions Chan had ever seen on his face. It made him almost fall in love. If he was an idiot, he would've fallen in love. If he had pure mush for brains, he would've fallen so in love that it would be impossible to climb back out unscathed.

Thank god Chan had a good head on his shoulders.

"Thanks- really, thanks-" Chan grinned, untying his apron and tossing it to Minho before sprinting off into the storm. He didn't look back, because he wasn't an idiot. 

He was a fool.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for opioid use

** 성인식3 **

****

*****

In this town forgotten by God, laws were of less concern. There was no police station in Sinsong. There were remnants of one, but it had turned into something entirely different before Felix had even been born. Derelict, the building was coated in graffiti, some of which he'd contributed to himself. Nobody seemed to mind.

In a town without cops or good sense, the youth could do as they pleased. This, in Felix's opinion, was a good thing. It allowed for purity, a town with no real rules - it allowed Felix to follow his heart. He followed it with his eyes closed, muscle memory leading him into the former home of the Sinsong Police Department.

It was candlelit, meaning Jisung was home. Felix couldn't help but break out into a manic grin. Jisung was his best friend, his other half - someone Hyunjin didn't know about and didn't have to know about. Barefoot, Felix left damp footprints on the warm concrete floor, a breadcrumb trail that would disappear before anyone found out.

Popping out from behind a wall, Jisung leapt at Felix, wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug, getting the front of his shirt all wet. "Buddy! I've been waiting for you for _hours_ , I'm so glad you're here!" He exclaimed, pulling away and ruffling Felix's head of stringy, damp hair. "I got something for ya, something good-" 

Felix was in a cloud, not entirely present in reality. The hug had sent him into a daze as always, and without even thinking about it, he reached out to grab Jisung's hand, addicted to touch. The look on Jisung's face suggested that Felix should know what all the excitement was about - but he could only think of fusing together, mixing himself into Jisung like colors on a palette.

Unable to wait for Felix to catch up, Jisung offered him something. A red poppy. 

It was the first time Felix had ever received a flower from someone, and he took it with wonder, with trembling hands. It was a special gift, and he would care for it accordingly. Maybe hang it upside-down to dry and use it as a bookmark? Maybe keep it in a glass of water until it wilted? Find a way to replant it? He wasn't sure, it didn't matter right then and there - what mattered was that Jisung had given him a token of affection.

"Thank you-" Felix gasped, holding the poppy to his chest. "Thank you so much-"

"What's wrong with you, dude? You're so weird- my uncle's done with the _stuff_ , the first batch. Jeez, y'know how slow you can be sometimes?" Jisung chuckled in disbelief, cocking an eyebrow up like a circumflex. "I've only been talking about it since spring-" He continued, rifling through his pockets and producing what was apparently his _true_ gift.

A handful of what looked like colorfully-wrapped bonbons. Felix cocked his head in confusion and interest, reaching forward to take the pink one. Jisung watched carefully as he unwrapped it, seemingly making sure he wouldn't eat the contents. It was then that Felix put the pieces together - he'd been trying to shove a square block into a circular hole like a dumb kid. The sticky black mass smelt of vinegar and it wasn't candy. The poppy wasn't a token of Jisung's love. The disappointment Felix felt was short-lived, because he knew what this was.

"Drugs?" Felix smiled.

"Heroin," Jisung clarified. "I told you my uncle was working on it. There's not much, 'cuz he can't grow too many poppies without being noticed. But this is the stuff I told you about - better than the other shit we've been doing. Definitely better." He continued, gesturing for Felix to come into their little haven.

Felix followed, holding the poppy and the bonbon carefully. Stolen furniture, couches and pillows and carpets and a little table. Walls covered in Jisung's beautiful art. Felix's less-competent art. Sitting cross-legged on his favorite chair, Felix watched as Jisung spread out a bunch of odd and unrelated items. Spoons and lighters and needles and little cups of water and cotton balls. 

"Hand me the shit," Jisung said without looking up, and Felix gingerly passed him the bonbon. He was doing some weird sort of science experiment with it, placing it in a spoonful of water and lighting it from below, bringing it to a boil. It seemed dangerous and interesting and it smelled weird, like medicine. Felix's heart was speeding up, his stomach twisting in a familiar way. He'd never felt this anxious about getting high with Jisung before.

Jisung soaked up the stinky, amber liquid with a cotton ball, finally locking eyes with Felix. There was no malice behind them, no fear, just anticipation. It put Felix at ease knowing Jisung seemed to be okay with this. Jisung was the smartest person he knew.

"See that belt over there? Wrap it around your arm. Super tight. Need to find your vein," Jisung instructed, and Felix followed as if in a dream. He was watching himself from above again, something which happened more and more often these days. It was like a movie, and he was naught but a side character in it. It felt nice.

"Yeah, pump your arm like that-" 

Jisung was sucking the liquid out of the cotton ball with a needle, and Felix watched the film of Sinsong intently. Watched as the camera panned over to his inner elbow, going in for a close-up shot. Off-camera, Felix sucked in a gasp as the needle pierced him. "No, no, stopstopstop-" He begged, but Jisung only smiled.

"Don't be scared, give it a second-" He said calmly, and he began to press the plunger down. He did it gently, Jisung was always careful with Felix. "Just breathe-" 

Felix breathed and breathed and breathed and it stopped hurting. He wasn't watching the movie anymore, but he wasn't back in his own body either. Somewhere in-between, a place he'd never been before. Though he wanted desperately to keep his eyes open, they shut of their own accord, sending him into the plush chair, down through the floor, into the core of the earth.

Someone upstairs was moaning in pleasure, and Felix forgot his own name. His skin tingled and itched in the best way possible, the only reminder that he still had a body. The moans were musical, almost forming a song - a melody, one he could follow.

"Damn, it feels that good?" Jisung asked, voice distinctive enough to be recognized by what remained of Felix. "Wait for me, dude- I'm coming-" A few other sounds were added to the moan-song, the click of a lighter and the rattle of a spoon. Felix managed to bring a hand up, the hand that had dropped the poppy, and rested it on his neck, feeling the vibrations of his vocal cords.

"Ah- Jisung-" He panted, the moans ceasing for a moment. When no response came, Felix forced his eyes open. The world was pretty and blurry and he didn't care about it, only cared about Jisung's little body draped over the couch. Belt still around his arm. As if swimming through honey, Felix slid off the chair and crawled over to him on all fours. "Jisung-" He whined.

"Lixie-" Jisung managed, voice weak but clearly happy. "C'mere-"

Limbs like heavy noodles, Felix climbed on top of Jisung. He was dry now, save for his damp swim trunks. He tried taking them off, but he couldn't, not with his play-doh fingers. Jisung's eyes were still shut. They were still in that in-between, but at least they were there together now. Felix focused on disrobing, wriggling on Jisung like a slug. Making him laugh.

"Lemme-" Jisung slurred, his equally-noodlish fingers having a hard time with the stubborn waistband. It felt like it took an hour, but finally, Felix was free of dampness. He was warm and tingly and calm and floaty and absolutely in his body, all he could think of was how heavy it was. 

"Y'cute-" Jisung smiled, eyes open. Only half-open, but it was a start. "So warm-" Felix nodded in slow motion, pressing his body flat against Jisung's and nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck. They touched and touched and Felix was so glad to finally have fallen onto Jisung's palette, so glad to be mixed around and played with.

And it was slow, so Felix could enjoy every second of it. He started to sing, no words, just sounds that he thought sounded pretty together. Jisung ran hands all over his body, flipping him onto his back and touching each freckle like it was a button on a dial pad. "Can I?" Jisung asked, and Felix always knew what he meant by that.

"Please-"

Felix had always wanted to make love - he had fucked before, but making love was something different entirely. It was like a secret recipe that he didn't have access to, and he tossed random ingredients in the pot over and over hoping he'd discover it by chance. And by chance, he'd discovered the missing ingredient. The poppy.

Jisung entered him slowly slowly slowly and pulled out slowly slowly slowly. Touched him slowly. Felix stopped singing and let his voice do as it pleased, waving up and down and squiggling around as it illustrated his pleasure. "Baby, baby-" Jisung cooed, hands so much more gentle than ever before. "So pretty-"

"Love you so-" Felix whimpered, holding onto him.

Jisung laughed and kissed away the end of the sentence.

* * *

** 성인식4 **

****

*****

  
The house was empty and the electricity wasn't working. Mom was visiting her sister in the city and Chan had a feeling that she might not come home. It was just a feeling, but Chan's feelings were strong and sharp and usually correct when he didn't want them to be. He'd have to contact the landlord in the morning and ask how much the bills were. Payday was at the end of the week, so he and Felix could survive like this for a few days. No problem.

He called his brother's name over and over but it was no use. Felix didn't have a phone, so Chan was faced with two options - stay at home and wait, or go back out into the storm and find him. Sinsong was small, but so was Felix - he evaded Chan's grasp at every turn, making his stomach turn inside out without meaning to. 

Lighting an oil lamp and setting it in front of the couch, Chan weighed the two options in his mind until they began to fight and twist and his thoughts were chasing their own tail. The familiar tears pricked at the inner corners of his eyes and he blinked them away as he picked up his phone, deciding on neither option. He was an adult, this was for sure. But Felix too was an adult, and Chan could not be his rock if their mother wouldn't be that for Chan.

Shaky fingers, he bit his lip in embarrassment as he scrolled through his contact list, looking for a rock. His old classmates, only one of whom still lived in Sinsong. His mom. His boss. 

He had to call Minho, and he _hated_ that he had to call Minho, but of anyone he knew - Minho would be able to help. The chances of him being _willing_ to help were slim to none, but they were there nonetheless. And Chan had to take that leap of faith if he wanted to get through the night without falling apart.

_Ringing. Ringing._

5 rings, 6 rings, and Chan was about to give up out of impatience and lack of faith, but Minho picked up and surprised him.

 _"Hey, why are you calling me all of a sudden?"_ came the voice, crackled and distorted but still very clearly belonging to Minho. _"Told you not to call unless it's an emergency, so I'm assuming your brother didn't come home yet?"_ The way he said it made Chan feel like such a dummy, and he sincerely hoped his sniffles weren't audible over the phone.

"He didn't," Chan said simply. He wanted to explain more, wanted to tell Minho that his mom was gone, the lights were off, that Felix had been acting weird, but if he said anything more than those two words, he'd start crying. And he didn't want Minho to hear him cry. Not now, not ever.

 _"Well, Hyunjin's home. Apparently, those two just went for a walk together. So...maybe this qualifies as an emergency?"_ Minho continued, and Chan's heart dropped to his stomach, joining it in the knotting process. _"He's like a cat though, isn't he? Your brother, I mean. He kinda wanders off and then comes home when he gets hungry."_

Chan didn't know what to say. Minho was only sort of right this time, because while Felix did have a penchant for wandering off and coming back home, his little adventures were growing longer and longer. The cat may have found another source of food and no longer needed to return. 

"I mean, yeah-" Chan was trying to speak, but the world was blurry from his tears and his voice was caught in his throat, threatening to join the knot in his core and render him mute. "I just- sometimes he comes home _weird_ , you know-" It was the vaguest way of putting it, because he didn't want Minho asking questions. Not that Minho cared at all, but he certainly seemed the sort to pry. Finding dirt to fling in Chan's face.

_"Weird?"_

"Really weird."

_"Not drunk-weird, right?"_

Chan recalled the reason he trusted Minho with this in the first place. Back in the spring, Minho had knocked on the door to Chan's home, an obviously wasted Felix in tow. 'I believe this belongs to you', he'd said, shoving Felix into Chan's arms. That memory stood out bright and clear in Chan's mind, and he clung to it for safety. He needed that life raft, because in the ocean of potential mishaps his brother could've gotten himself into, drunkenness was something solid.

But he had to be honest.

"No," Chan said, voice small and scared and hiding under the table. "I don't know what kind of weird. It's...kind of different every time." He was crying now and he couldn't hold it back, he wanted his mom to come home, he wanted the lights on, he wanted Felix at his side, watching dramas on Chan's phone.

 _"Alright. I'm not gonna...get into that, but I do have two questions. I need you to think about these as hard as you can,"_ Minho had realized the gravity of the situation at least to some extent, and it only made Chan cry harder.

_"First, have you ever seen him hanging around the old police station?"_

Chan thought hard, but that place gave him the creeps, so there wasn't much of a chance for him to have run into Felix there. "I think he...decorates it sometimes? I don't...I don't really go over there, so...but I think he. Y'know. Spray paints on it when he's bored?" Chan was crying less as he tried to concentrate, but he knew it wouldn't last and he'd crack again. He was a raw egg on the edge of a table, and Minho was naught but a housecat sizing him up. 

Paw curled. Reaching forward.

 _"Okay. I'll keep that in mind, but - the second question is more important,"_ He sighed. Even through the phone, the sound was pretty and Chan was clinging to it, clinging and clinging as he teetered on the table, shell so thin. _"Are you okay by yourself right now?"_

Minho batted at him and Chan fell. He cracked into a million pieces but the yolk, the knot, was finally free. He sobbed like he'd sobbed at his grandma's funeral, all grief and despair with no way out. Minho was silent on the other end and Chan was ashamed that he had to listen to this.

One more pretty sigh. It was pity and irritation, and Chan resented it, but it was also sympathy and kindness and it was shocking. Beautiful and surprising and novel.

_"Hold tight. I'll be right over."_


	3. Chapter 3

** 성인식5 **

*

In a city of filth, there existed somewhere clean. Somewhere well-lit and nicely decorated, mold scrubbed from the ceiling until all that remained was a blank slate. Fairy lights. A pink throw rug. The same bedding from two Christmases ago, expensive and washed every week. A full-length mirror.

In this self-made heaven, the devil still lurked - he was in the reflection, a perfect portrait of Sinsong that had taken human form. Turning to the side, the being that existed within the mirror grimaced. Hyunjin felt his face making the same expression, but he didn't want to be associated with whatever that _thing_ was.

No matter how many times his grandma told him he was beautiful, no matter how many times Minho said he had nothing to worry about, all Hyunjin could see was infinite grotesqueness. In only his briefs, he could see every little flaw. The way his stomach wasn't completely flat. His puffy arms. The beginnings of a double chin that threatened to ruin his entire life.

He was repulsed and repulsive. The fire he felt when looking himself in the eye was so intense that he had to bite his lip, just to translate his feelings into pain. It was a reflex and it wasn't enough at all. Tense as a bowstring, he felt the arrow of his suffering ready to be sent flying. Something - he was full of bile and it needed out.

Hyunjin screamed. He howled. The sound that he managed to draw forth was barely human, a guttural cry of despair that would surely have Minho running upstairs to check on him. That bitch, that _imbecile_ , he'd be here any second now. Hyunjin wailed again, wanting to speed up the process somewhat. Get the humiliation over with.

No footsteps.

He cried out again.

 _"Jinnie, quiet down!"_ came a soft voice from downstairs. His grandma's. Hyunjin began to panic - if his brother wasn't coming and his legal guardian didn't give two shits, what was he to do? The pain wasn't going away and it threatened to consume him. He was ashamed, and let out one more scream - weaker this time. It was his last attempt and it did nothing.

He had no one. 

His eyes rattled around his skull, knowing they deserved nothing in this room. That is, until they landed on something that matched him perfectly. Something that did not belong to him. A tiny, dinged-up pocket knife - red handle and tiny blade with five letters scrawled on it in crude print. **F E L I X.**

In the eye of the hurricane, Hyunjin had the presence of mind to pick up the blade with trembling fingers. After that, he was swept up into the storm again and everything became a wet, blurry nightmare. The storm raged on outside and spilled into Hyunjin's little pink sanctuary. He only became aware of the blood on the carpet when there was a knock on the door.

Minho was finally here. Took him long enough.

It was well past midnight, and Hyunjin realized his brother had probably been asleep - that's why it'd taken him longer. On shaky legs, Hyunjin made his way to the door and opened it, only to be greeted with a face he hadn't expected at all.

"Hyunjinnie-" Felix smiled, still in nothing but those stupid swim trunks. Skinny and pretty and delicate and pure. Hyunjin wanted to punch him in the face, but all he did was cry. He wept like he was wont to do, pathetic little scratches on his wrist still leaking drops of crimson. "I was bored, so I came over-"

"Well, get the fuck out-" Hyunjin snarled, grabbing the edge of the door and trying to force Felix out of his room. But Felix simply ducked under Hyunjin's puffy arms, thin frame slipping through the gap and doing a somersault onto the carpet like a child. He was giggling and smiley as always, but he was languid and looked exhausted.

Sighing, Hyunjin shut his door, falling to his knees and shuffling over to his so-called friend. 

"Why'd you hurt yourself?" Felix asked simply, gently taking Hyunjin's arm and examining it. The cuts weren't deep in the slightest, some of them already clotting up. The blade had been dull and practically useless, pain translated into the most pathetic language possible. But Felix still touched him so softly, with such care - he brought the wrist up to his lips, pink tongue slipping out and lapping up the excess blood.

Hyunjin pulled a face and voiced his disgust, but his heart was too soft to get truly angry at such a gesture. "You've got the prettiest skin, it's a shame to leave marks on it - but if it makes you feel alive, I get it," Felix said softly, his large eyes staring right into Hyunjin's - right into his vulnerability. 

"I'm ugly." Hyunjin admitted, as if Felix hadn't noticed. It was written all over him, after all.

"What?" Felix laughed, bringing his tiny fingers up to run through Hyunjin's long, dyed locks. He looked genuinely baffled, and it was a reaction that brought such relief to Hyunjin's soul that he felt embarrassed. "Don't say things like that. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met in my life-" He gushed, and Hyunjin didn't want his head to be pumped full of hot air like this, but it was happening and he suddenly didn't want to punch Felix anymore.

"Don't cry, you look like a princess-" Felix smiled, wiping a tear from Hyunjin's face with a grimy finger. Gross.

"Nobody else thinks so. You're just lying so I don't...do this," Hyunjin stammered, trying to find holes in Felix's statements. But there were none, Felix was glowing and solid and he reached forward to wrap Hyunjin into his embrace. His warmth. His dirtiness. With his toothpick arms and his flat stomach and-

"Everyone thinks so, are you kidding?" Felix chuckled before Hyunjin could spiral back into his own darkness. "But if you don't feel pretty right now...is there something that'd make you feel a little prettier?" He asked innocently, cocking his head with a grin. Hyunjin noticed the bags under Felix's eyes, but he said nothing and focused on the question at hand.

"I don't know."

Felix stood up, leaving Hyunjin alone on the floor. He was leaving muddy footprints on the carpet and Hyunjin cursed his grandma for letting the little bastard into their home. He was rifling through Hyunjin's closet. Going through his things. It only took a moment for Hyunjin to realize - oh shit, shit, _shit-_

"Don't _fucking_ look in there, don't you _dare_ -" Hyunjin growled, clambering towards him in a decidedly inelegant manner. But it was too late, Felix had pulled out a long, silk sundress. White with thick lace straps. Hyunjin just stood there and wanted to throw himself out of the window, contemplated doing it, but he was only on the third floor and he'd probably live.

Felix was just holding it up and admiring it with big googly eyes and raised brows, mouth hanging open dumbly, like a fish. "Maybe you could try putting this on?" He whispered as if he were afraid of something. "I'd...like to see you in it." 

"What, so you can make fun of me?" Hyunjin retorted weakly, but he knew all too well that Felix _genuinely_ wanted to see him in it for whatever reason. With tears starting to race down his cheeks again, Hyunjin gingerly took the dress from Felix's outstretched arms. "Only this once-" He mumbled, turning away sharply.

The silk felt so good as it brushed over his skin, and though it was now stained with muddy fingerprints and a bit of blood, it was lovely as ever. Hyunjin didn't want to turn around, but when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, there was something different about what awaited him. 

Not the devil. Not Sinsong. Not any sort of filth.  
Just a person. A scared child in an adult's body.

So he turned, silk spinning prettily around his calves as he did so. Felix stepped forward carefully, for once refraining from touching Hyunjin. He still looked scared, and it wasn't an expression that often rested on that little doll-like face. "Can I...?" He asked quietly, voice trembling as he took Hyunjin's hand, leaning forward.

Hyunjin nodded and the kiss they shared was different than usual - Felix was wary and it did not seem platonic in the slightest. It wasn't gross or shameful or anything of the sort, nor was it chaste. It was long and sloppy and perfect and precious. It made Hyunjin start crying again, and Felix only held him through it, pulling away to allow the sobs to escape.

When he sang, it was for Hyunjin's comfort rather than his own.

 _"Hush, when no one is around, my dear - you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes, spinning in my highest heels, love-"_ Hyunjin was weeping as he listened, Felix's voice soft in his ear, lithe arms wrapped around him and helping him sway gently to the melody. _"Shining just for you-"_

Slowly, Felix guided them both to their knees, still holding Hyunjin. The blood had stopped entirely, all that remained were cat scratches in a conspicuous place. But Hyunjin couldn't even think about that right now, not when Felix was looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Not when he looked scared of tainting him.

It was weird when Felix sang to him instead of just spitting it out. But the lilt of his innocent voice filled the room perfectly, and this time, Hyunjin wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He simply listened, biting his lip to keep himself as quiet as possible. He wanted to hear it. He wanted to feel it. 

_"I'm still a believer, but I don't know why - I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try,"_

Hyunjin had never known what Felix felt for him. They were friends, that much was certain, but those big, black eyes held something Hyunjin was frightened of putting a label on. He didn't want any expectations. He didn't want to open himself up any more than he already had. What awaited Felix was dark and poisonous and he'd get hurt, they'd _both_ get hurt - 

_"I'm still on that trapeze, I'm still trying everything-"_

Felix cupped Hyunjin's soft face with his hands. So gently that Hyunjin couldn't help but hope that they'd both find a way out. Together.

_"To keep you looking at me-"_


	4. Chapter 4

** 성인식6 **

  
*

  
Common house mold has a very distinctive smell - stale and unpleasant, it clings to furniture and the people who sit upon it. It seeps into your pores in a way that can't be scrubbed off. Not when you've been living among it for decades. It turns once young and pretty skin into something sickly, pale and damp and belonging more to swamp than to civilization.

Chan didn't smell himself often, for he had no reason to. He knew all too well that the mold was all over, the filth of Sinsong coated every last crevice of his existence, and he had resigned himself to that fate. However, as soon as he had Minho sitting beside him on the couch, he couldn't stop lifting the collar of his t-shirt and dipping his nose down subtly, trying to gauge just how unpleasant it was.

It was a foolish thing to worry about when the reason Minho was even here in the first place was to solve real problems. But still, Minho was so elegant - even in what Chan assumed were his pajamas, bare-faced, he looked like a model and definitely not someone who occupied the same class as Chan. The same town. The same job.

The first thing he'd done upon arriving at Chan's house was hug him. 

That was when the surreal nature of Minho's existence really hit him. Chan had been sobbing, clinging to Minho's back, fingers grabbing at the soft fabric that covered it. Getting his shoulder wet and snotty. Using him as a rock without any semblance of shame. And unlike Chan, the rest of Sinsong, Minho smelled _amazing._ Chan felt odd for even noticing, but he'd never been that close to him before. And it wasn't cologne, maybe some sort of fabric softener - or just some sort of inner beauty radiating outward.

"If your mom doesn't come back, what are you gonna do?" Minho asked simply, plucking Chan out of his thoughts, his mold-laden tangent, and plopping him back into reality like a cruel god. "If you and Lix lose the apartment, you can stay with us. My grandma likes you guys a lot, so it shouldn't be a problem or anything." The way he said it was so level, tone devoid of any sort of feeling or pain. It made Chan's heart crack in two, and he didn't want to know what was inside just yet.

"I mean, I-" Chan began, but he was crying. Still. It'd been at least twenty minutes, and he was still crying and it was still dark and Minho looked unfairly perfect in the dim light of the oil lamp. "I wouldn't wanna impose or anything- I don't- I honestly really want to just make this work myself-" He stammered, but he knew he'd said the wrong thing when Minho frowned at him. It wasn't his usual frown of displeasure or disgust, but rather an expression of disappointment.

"Trust me, you wouldn't be imposing. You've basically been running our store for minimum wage. We kinda owe you at least that much," Minho explained calmly, but there were little peaks and valleys in his voice that hadn't been there before. Chan stared into his eyes like an idiot, trying to decipher what was going on inside of him. Guilt? Sympathy? It was most likely pity, especially given his reaction to Chan's current place of residence - he'd noticed the mold almost immediately and had pulled a dramatic face, reminding Chan of the fact that Minho really was Hyunjin's brother after all.

"Well, let's not- think that far ahead yet-" Chan spoke through ragged breaths, still trying to force himself to stop crying. "I have to find Lixie first-" This sentiment was met with a roll of the eyes from Minho, who for some reason decided to scoot closer to Chan. Until their legs touched. He slung an arm around him, forcing Chan to look right into his eyes. He caught him in that dangerous gaze in the same way a rat trap would slam itself over the offending creature.

"Have you ever thought about yourself? Even once?" Minho asked. His breath smelled very faintly of cigarettes, but Chan didn't mind. He was just surprised to be feeling said breath on his face at all. The question took him aback, and his mouth hung open dumbly as his brain struggled to catch up. Of course he'd thought about himself, but the way Minho had asked made Chan think that the question wasn't to be taken so literally.

"You're always helping us around the store like you're working to pay off some kinda debt. You don't shut up about your little brother. You're always buying shit your mom should be getting instead. Y'know, I've only seen your mother at our store a couple of times - don't you think she should be there more often? Checking on you? Getting the ingredients for dinner? She makes you do all that stuff, huh?" Minho bombarded Chan with these statements and rhetorical questions, eyes piercing and analytical in a way that frightened him. He pulled away a little, but it only made Minho push onward.

"And we've been working you to the bone, haven't we?"

Chan shook his head, not wanting to lose even a little bit of his work. He needed every won he could get his hands on, and Minho's family easing up on him would rob him of precious food money. "It's- the work is fine, and it's- you're right, I'm kinda-" The words were all jumbled up and slurred and the opposite of everything Minho was. "I'm spineless,"

Another eye-roll from Minho, one so dramatic that his irises disappeared behind the lids for a moment. "That's definitely not the way I'd phrase it," He grinned, a little flicker of light in the darkness. "You're the only one in this town who knows how to do the right thing. And someone like that...you're getting sucked dry, y'know that?"

"That's not-"

"No, it's true. I've thought so for a while," Minho interrupted him. "Why else would I waste my time coming over here?" Chan's heart didn't want to accept all this sweet talk, especially not when it was coming from Minho, who'd long been someone he thought was...well, an asshole.

> _"Yah, Chan- can you work any slower?" Came the annoying voice of the cashier, who was watching a drama on his laptop instead of doing his job. He glared at the approaching customer, reluctantly scanning her goods while maintaining eye contact the whole time. Chan shivered. He was frustrated, but he refused to let it show - he needed his reputation to remain clean. It was the only thing that was._

"Your brother's gonna come back, don't worry about that. He's an adult, so he can look after himself for now. If your mom doesn't come back, you come stay with us. But you're still...not okay, are you?" Minho asked, that irritating cashier's voice completely gone and replaced with something soothing that Chan was weeping over like it was a moving work of art.

"How-" Chan sobbed. "How are you _always_ okay?" The question was a cry for help. He needed to know the secret of the man who stayed clean while rolling over and over through mud. If he could figure it out, maybe he'd be able to carve out a life for himself and Felix after all. But the expression that appeared on Minho's face was strange - it was as though his bright and beautiful eyes had gone blank for a moment.

He moved to stand, and Chan didn't know what he'd done wrong. He had to restrain himself from physically clinging to Minho, before reminding himself they were co-workers and nothing more. If Minho left now, Chan didn't know what he'd do.

But he didn't leave, he just stood in front of Chan like a statue before coming back to life with a sigh and turning his gaze towards the floor. Or rather, towards the waistband of his sweatpants, which he began to tug down slowly. Chan's brain short-circuited entirely, face heating up so much that he swore he wouldn't even be able to get hard if Minho actually attempted to seduce him - all his body's blood was now concentrated in his cheeks.

The mold must've seeped into Chan's brain too, and Minho was surely wrong about him being the only righteous person in Sinsong - for the second those sweatpants pooled around Minho's ankles, Chan's dirty thoughts seemed wicked. Corrupt. Flat-out wrong.

Minho's legs were strong and smooth and almost perfect, two marble columns that had been forever stained. Lining his thighs and calves were thick scars that came in various shades of red, purple, and white. Some looked so old that they were practically invisible, especially in the current lighting. But others looked recent, so much so that they were still scabbing over. One was crudely stitched with what looked like fishing thread.

Chan said nothing, because there was nothing to say. Minho had answered his question with one simple action, and by the time he pulled his pants back up, Chan had forgotten how to cry.

But he had not forgotten how to feel, and what he felt was so intense that he couldn't resist dragging Minho into it, both emotionally and physically. He grabbed him by the waist and pulled him on top of him in a clumsy hug, in a position that would've been embarrassing had it happened in any other situation. Minho went almost limp, not saying a word - his breathing was steady and he definitely wasn't crying. But the silence was so uncomfortable that Chan felt compelled to break it.

"You don't belong here-" He whispered, meaning every word. And how could he not?

"Neither do you. Nobody does," Minho said plainly, voice still quiet and level, though the peaks and valleys were becoming more noticeable by the second. "And let's not talk about...any of this," He continued, resting his forehead on Chan's shoulder. "None of it. We'll wait here for Lix for a little while, and if he doesn't show, I'll make Hyunjin cook us something. We deserve a laugh, yeah?"

Chan nodded and remembered how to cry again. He cried and held Minho and Minho allowed himself to be held. That was enough. He was, against all odds, acting just like the rock Chan had needed. 

The waves crashed around the both of them, but only Chan got wet.

* * *

** 성인식7 **

  
*

  
Sleeping Beauty had been under a spell for hours and hours and the prince was far too shy to wake her. How could he even try? All he could do was admire the way the clouds had finally parted, sun spilling through the pink curtain as he played with long blond locks, brushed a finger over red, plush lips. He knew that breaking the spell would destroy any and all magic that the past 10 hours had held.

Crumbs and dirt in the bedsheets. Textures that would enrage her, memories that would disgust her. The prince shut his eyes for one more moment, pulling himself a little closer to the beauty beside him. Warm and soft and so clean, so pretty. He had to leave before the spell broke naturally, which it eventually would. Luckily, he was small and light and quiet when he had to be.

He disappeared from the bed without a trace (save for the aforementioned new textures) and opened the window. The air was as fresh as it would ever be, and he knew he could just use the door, but-

That would trigger a whole new onslaught of awkward scenes, wouldn't it? Hyunjin scowling at him all through breakfast, Minho eyeing him like he was some sort of pervert. His tummy growled, but Felix was used to leaving through windows, and he knew how to do it without getting hurt. There were plenty of footholds to be found in an old building like this, and he managed to climb down until there was naught but a six-foot drop left.

He landed on his hands and feet, scraping both considerably. But no matter, he'd barely made a sound. Shame he couldn't close the window behind him, but the curtain remained unmoving, and so it was clear Hyunjin hadn't awoken yet.

Where would his heart take him today? Felix had yet to find out, and he was excited - the streets were rough but so were his soles, calloused and basically shoes of their own. For a moment, he thought to himself that he might want to return home, but Chan was at home and he didn't want any sort of interrogation right now. He could do all that later -

First, he needed to prepare himself for the inevitable, and there was only one way to do that.

Maze-like, Sinsong seemed to go in circles, whirling around Felix as he danced through it without a care. The sunshine fed him, feeding his tanned skin and speckling him with happiness. He could get high off the sun alone, this much was true, but it wouldn't be enough to deal with his brother. So he followed his heart until he was facing a familiar wooden door. 

Pounding on it, he began to create a rhythm - one he got lost in. Shutting his eyes as he knocked and played and swayed, his thoughts drifted to Hyunjin for a moment. There was an unspeakable sadness that pierced him like an icicle for no reason, and his fist sped up its movements, growing frenzied until he almost fell face-first into the man who had opened the door without warning.

"You better have money," He said with a sleepy frown. In nothing but a robe. A good couple inches shorter than Felix, with a bird's nest of bedhead, Changbin was very difficult to take seriously. In fact, Felix found he _couldn't_ take him seriously right now, especially not with an icicle still sticking right out of his chest.

"Eh? What happened to _friends help friends?"_ Felix asked, cocking his head and making a little 'gimme' motion with his hand. He only wanted a little, just a teeny tiny bit, and surely Changbin knew that. Felix was incredibly easy to please.

"That rule only applies to Jisung, not _you_ -" Changbin groaned, though Felix could tell he was far too tired to want to go through a whole fifteen minutes of begging and lawyerly excuses as to why the money wasn't available. He could tell because Changbin was already rifling through the pocket of his robe, producing a thin, nicely-rolled joint. "That's all you get from me today, kiddo. I was gonna wake and bake, but I got enough for another."

Felix took the joint as if it were the most precious gift in the world, face breaking out into a contagious, solar-powered smile. The more the sun hit his back, the more excited he was to smoke. In fact, it'd be even _better_ with company, and his eyes lit up as he looked down at Changbin.

"We can share it!" Felix offered, buzzing with flames of excitement that were quickly blown out.

"You're lucky you're cute, y'know that? Now fuck off and let me get my beauty sleep. Make Chan some breakfast or something. Poor bastard deserves it," Changbin grumbled groggily, slamming the door in Felix's face as soon as he finished.

The sun began to sting.


	5. Chapter 5

  
** 성인식8 **

  
*

  
It was breakfast time. The sun was shining through the windows and the table was all set, all the food ready to be eaten. It lie in wait, the eggs still steaming and filling the house with a pleasant warmth. The clock that hung beside the fridge ticked ominously, and there were a pair of young eyes trained to it. Waiting for the hands to hit the right position.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._   
_Ten AM._

Chan immediately rushed to the bedroom that he and his half-brother, Felix, shared. He didn't need to knock, knew there would be no response, but he did so anyway. Call it a reflex. As he'd expected, there was no answer - so he slowly opened the door, sock feet barely making a sound on the wooden floor as he crept over to Felix's bedside.

He looked just like their mother, and the resemblance was all too clear when he was asleep - mouth hanging open, drool leaking onto his pillow. The smattering of freckles across his cheeks was something that set him apart from the rest of the family, a trait he'd likely inherited from someone else. Chan poked his little nose whilst resenting his own, which was still far too large for his growing face.

"Lixie-" He whispered, lightly shaking him out of slumber. Cat-like, Felix yawned impressively, showcasing a full set of large, sharp teeth. When he opened his eyes, they were bleary with sleep and Chan had to delicately wipe away the bits of crust that had collected in their inner corners. "Breakfast-" His voice was still quiet, not wanting to startle his brother too much. He was more sensitive than Chan was, to light and sound and colors and sometimes it was all too much. It was Chan's responsibility to make sure he was calm.

"Bwekfist," Felix mumbled, voice still pure and unaffected by puberty, unlike Chan's - there was a reason Chan didn't like to speak these days, and it was because his voice was wont to crack upwards or downwards as his vocal cords adjusted to all the new changes. "Whad'ya make us?" He batted his thick lashes up at Chan, and that was the reason Chan couldn't resent all the attention Felix received - he deserved it. He was pretty and unique and needed to be treated specially. What was the term his mother had used - _indigo child,_ that's right.

Chan was not and could never be an _indigo child,_ and when he looked in the mirror, he did not see the special blood that ran through Felix's veins. Whoever had made him with their mother must've been someone special, though neither of them would ever know for sure. When Chan looked in the mirror, he saw his father's droopy eyes, his large nose, and he was grateful that Felix didn't have to share that blood with him. Nobody should have to.

"Eggs and pancakes," Chan smiled, ruffling Felix's soft hair before moving to stand. "I'm gonna wake up mom, you get yourself to the kitchen, okay? Wait for us," He said simply, waiting for Felix to nod and process the instructions before leaving. Quietly quietly quietly, like a thread passing through the eye of a needle, he exited the gap in the doorway and moved to the challenging part of the morning. 

_Knock knock knock._

There was no answer, and Chan dreaded going inside. But he had to, this was his responsibility. When he opened the door, his mother was sprawled out on top of the sheets, belly down. She hated sleeping during the summer, always complained of sweat and heat, and even though the windows were open, Chan could tell from her position that she hadn't had the best night. So he approached her like a wild animal, tentative, resting a hand on her back and rubbing up and down. Soothing.

She still awoke to the touch as if it were an attack, immediately popping her eyes open and rolling to face him. Wild eyes, the same wild eyes he'd always seen when Felix got scared. Thankfully, her face softened after a few seconds - though Chan felt the snake inside him coil up as it always did, twisting around his tummy and tightening its grip. Breakfast wouldn't be yummy today.

"It's 10," Chan said, voice low and calm. "I made breakfast-" His mother nodded and shooed him out of the room. _Give me some time_ , she said, raspy and inelegant. _I'll be there in a few minutes. You guys can start eating._

Chan closed the door behind him and almost bumped into Felix, who was a good head shorter than him and thus difficult to see. He was in nothing but his underwear as usual, and Chan decided not to comment on that. An _indigo child_ should be free, and he'd probably grow out of that habit eventually. 

"Mommy's still sleeping?" He asked, looking up at Chan. Big, big eyes. "She should hurry, I'ma eat everything-" He giggled, suddenly racing past Chan with loud footsteps that made every single floorboard creak nervously. Chan's heart creaked too, as if someone were stepping on it. Mornings made him anxious, the snake was always awake before he was.

Felix had made himself comfortable at the table by the time Chan caught up and was already shoveling food into his mouth at a breakneck pace. "I told you to _wait_ ," Chan scolded, though he didn't dare get between Felix and the meal. A part of him was happy that his brother seemed to be enjoying it so much, he'd been up for a couple of hours working on it. Making sure he wasted nothing and got it all to taste decent. "It's not going anywhere,"

"Wha're we doin' today?" Felix mumbled through a mouth full of egg, eyes flitting up to meet Chan's, eyebrows raised. Chan heard no movement from anywhere else in the house, and so he began to eat as well. His mom's version of 'a few minutes' could take hours. Her food would be cold and it made Chan equal parts angry and sad, made him wish for a moment that just once, he could mess up and have it be okay.

"What do you wanna do?" It was probably the wrong question to ask, Chan probably should've planned some sort of activity for the two of them, but he was exhausted and was really hoping Felix had something in mind that would leave Chan alone in their room. At least long enough for a nap.

"Wanna go to the fairy circle," Felix answered, already almost done with his portion. Chan heaved a sigh - the 'fairy circle' was naught but a clearing in the forest that Chan had named in order to make Felix's world a little more magical. Unfortunately, said clearing was a good five kilometres away, and his mother would never forgive him if he let Felix wander over there on his own. "I met some fairies there the other day and I told 'em I'd come back to say hi. Bet they're waiting,"

This was Chan's cue to panic.

"You went there by yourself?" He asked cautiously, watching as Felix ate the last bite of pancake. Felix smiled at him, a devilish grin that reminded Chan so much of their mother that it made his skin crawl. "You know you're not supposed to go that far by yourself, Lixie- was mom with you?"

"Didn't tell her," Felix smirked, eyes closing happily. As though he were proud of sneaking off like that. "You were at school, so I was bored-"

Chan's snake was twisting tighter and tighter and he knew what would happen if their mother ever found out about this. He needed to find a way to keep Felix quiet about it. "When I'm at school, you're supposed to stay at home," He began worriedly. The snake's scales hurt the soft flesh of his insides, and he knew if he didn't calm down soon, he might start crying. "You won't tell her about them, right? She'll be mad at you," He lied.

"I won't," Felix said. He wasn't scared of mom. But his eyes told Chan that he knew.

* * *

  
** 성인식9 **

  
*

  
In a dream, two halves of the same whole had fit together like puzzle pieces. In a white room in a white bed with white sheets and white skin. Nothing dirty, no exchange of fluids. Just touching, soft touches that landed like little feathers twirling as they floated down. Just Yang and Yang with no corruption of purity. A moment that could've lasted a second or a year. 

But it was only a dream, because Hyunjin woke up alone in the bed. There was evidence that he hadn't made everything up, namely dirt and crumbs and smudges on his once-pristine sheets. There were his memories, a short and hazy supercut of his arms around Felix, Felix's arms around him. He was still wearing that stupid dress, and when he sat up, it still hadn't hit him yet that Felix had left him behind.

The window was open and the sun was bright, filtered rose through the curtain. The carpet had a dozen or so muddy footprints that would take a lot of work to scrub out. Hyunjin was alone in the room, the room he'd woken up in thousands of times before. But something was different this time, because he didn't feel groggy. He didn't feel irritated. He didn't feel angry and he didn't rush over to the mirror to fix his hair.

Instead, he realized there was a hole in the centre of him, and in his mind, he circled around that hole cautiously, peering inside and taking care not to fall in. It was far too dark to see what lay at the bottom, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He didn't dare move, the world beginning to blur a little - he was in his body but maybe Felix had left something behind besides crumbs, because this fuzzy feeling wasn't something he was used to.

If he stayed still, perhaps everything would've remained pleasant and vague like that. But when he stood up, he fell into the hole and there was nothing at the bottom - or rather, he'd never find out because he kept falling and a part of him knew he'd never stop falling. Felix had seen Hyunjin's embarrassing moment of weakness. He'd seen it and accepted it and held him. And now he was gone without an explanation.

Hyunjin felt pathetic scouring the room for a note since he knew Felix would never leave a note. He didn't even have a phone, so there was no way to contact him. He wasn't in the hallway. He wasn't in the kitchen. Hyunjin's grandmother greeted him but he wasn't able to register it, flying right back up the stairs and barging into Minho's room to ask if he'd seen Felix leave.

But Minho wasn't there either. 

Hyunjin began to panic, and the mirror was calling to him, Sinsong wanting so desperately to communicate with him and put all those nasty thoughts back into his head. He knew he had to resist it, and he had to tell himself what was real -

  * Felix did not care about him
  * Minho did not care about him
  * His escape from Sinsong would be a solitary one



With these three thoughts buzzing around his head, Hyunjin was able to avoid the mirror and slowly descend the staircase again, refusing to look his grandmother in the eye. He paced into the kitchen, downed a glass of water, and made his way to the door. "Jinnie, where are you going dressed like that-?" Came the old, rickety voice. "You look pretty," She smiled, distracted from her TV soaps for the time being.

Hyunjin had totally forgotten about the dress, and his face turned bright red when he realized he'd been caught out. He tried forming sentences, words, but nothing really came out except for the aural equivalent of shame. "Have some breakfast before you go, at least-" His grandma continued, seemingly not caring about the social faux pas Hyunjin had been about to make. 

"Did you-" Hyunjin managed. "Did you see Lixie this morning?" He got out the question and as soon as the conversation was over he'd get out of the dress, too. His grandma looked confused, cocking her head to the side slowly. 

"That's right, he slept over, didn't he? He must've left before I woke up-" The words were not comforting, seeing as Hyunjin knew all too well that his grandma had a habit of waking up to watch the sunrise. That information, coupled with the open window, suggested Felix had left in a very dramatic fashion. An escape. Hyunjin's heart dropped to his stomach and he wanted to cry, he wanted to cry so bad-

"You should dress like that more often, Jinnie- it suits you," His grandma smiled, and it wasn't mocking in the slightest. In any other situation, Hyunjin would've been so happy to hear it, to bask in the compliment and acceptance. But right now, all he could think about was the fact that he was so disgusting that Felix had to _escape_ from sharing a bed with him. He'd probably bailed the second Hyunjin had dozed off and used the window so as not to wake anyone. 

It was humiliating, and Hyunjin's tears fell fat and heavy on the floor when he hung his head.


	6. Chapter 6

** 반항1 **

  
*****

  
The temperature had begun to rise as the sun hung directly overhead, bloated and seeming to simmer with an irrepressible resentment. There were very few ways to cool down in Sinsong - most residents did not have air conditioning, and there were no public pools to speak of. The locals cowered before the sun, and on days like today, very few people could be seen roaming the streets. Those who dared venture outside could be seen holding ice-cold water bottles to their foreheads or using cheap fans that did little to alleviate their pain.

Felix did not mind the sun nor the heat. His tan was a testament to that, and he braved August like a warrior, the sweat that dripped down his face serving to cool him down. Jisung was another child of the sun, and when Felix had turned up at their hangout with the joint and a smile, he hadn't hesitated for even a moment. Though he'd long thought of Felix as the one on the leash, he knew that their friendship went both ways. They followed each other like ducklings, taking turns accepting the role of Mother.

Normally, Jisung would've insisted they smoke inside so they could crash afterward - but Felix was persistent about getting high outdoors. For one, he needed to return home soon and make sure his brother (who Jisung had heard about a million times but had never actually seen) hadn't gone into hysterics over his absence. This reason was the one Felix framed as being the most important, though as soon as he'd mentioned the place he wanted to indulge in the joint at, Jisung knew Chan was the last thing on his friend's mind.

The pond - the disgusting, slimy, dumping ground of a pond that Felix lived not 100 metres away from. Felix did not seem to care one bit that locals often dumped their waste in it, and he took in the sight of the filmy water with childlike wonder. Jisung side-eyed this reaction, but didn't say anything when Felix began to remove his swim trunks. It was nothing new, they'd skinny-dipped in this pond and dozens of others like it before. However, that had always been under the convenient cloak of darkness. For Felix to be so bold as to get buck-naked in broad daylight in clear view of his home was something surprising.

"Yo, you really doing this now? What about the joint?" Jisung laughed in disbelief as he watched Felix wade into the pond, likely brushing his feet against all manner of discarded packaging and cigarette butts. Jisung approached tentatively, still fully clothed as he watched Felix's thin frame disappear into the murkiness. Felix paused when the water reached his collarbones, turning to look up at Jisung and reach out for his hand.

"We'll smoke it in here!" Felix insisted, voice clear and loud and thank god nobody was around. Thank god for the fear of the sun. "C'mon, it'll cool you down!" He was stubborn and Jisung knew he wasn't leaving that pond. He could've very easily just smoked the joint himself while Felix enjoyed the water, but he remembered just how strange yesterday had been for him - they'd been joined at the hip for a while, but after the way he'd fucked Felix yesterday, he felt that their connection had deepened in a way he didn't yet understand.

And so he undressed, eyes wide and nervous as he made sure nobody was looking. As soon as the clothes were off, he grabbed the joint and his lighter and concealed himself within the waters, joining Felix. They were around the same size, but Jisung felt considerably smaller than usual, his apprehension about the filth making him the weaker of the pair. Felix stood tall and proud and did not question his own choices. Jisung second-guessed everything, and lit up the joint in hopes of slowing his thoughts.

"Yesterday was so fun-" Felix giggled, twirling in the water and stirring up the litter with his feet. "I felt like we really made love-" Jisung cringed at that statement and took a long drag of the joint, inhaling as much as possible. He agreed with Felix that what had taken place yesterday was different than usual, though making love might've been the wrong term. It felt more like a transfer of power.

"Yeah, it was great- we'll have to do it again sometime," Jisung grinned, passing the joint to Felix after he felt sufficiently light-headed. Felix wasn't good at smoking weed, coughing after every hit and going pink in the face. He'd had years of practice and still did it all wrong, wasting weed and nearly dropping the joint into the water a couple of times - like a child trying their dad's cigarettes. "By the way - tomorrow Changbin and I are going hiking, you wanna come?"

He wasn't supposed to invite Felix, and he knew Changbin wouldn't like the addition to their trek one bit, but Jisung was looking Felix right in the eye and it was as though he couldn't part from him. Black eyes like tar that sucked your leg right in, trapping you forever. Jisung was frozen when the rest of the joint was forked back over to him, and even as he finished it off, he held eye contact. Felix did not blink.

"That sounds great-" He smiled, closing his eyes in bliss and releasing Jisung from his hold. Clearly stoned, he began to paddle around the pond like a dog, getting the most out of his summer the way most locals wished they could. The way Jisung wished he could. He drew the roach of the joint to his lips for one last hit, but was interrupted by the worst possible scenario.

Someone had called Felix's name from the edge of the pond. Whirling around to face the intruder, Jisung could only assume that this person was Felix's fabled older brother. He looked nothing like Felix, pale and well-built with a head of dark curls. Jisung studied his face for similarities but came up empty-handed - was this person really Chan? At any rate, Jisung had dropped the roach into the pond out of surprise. What a waste.

"What the hell are you doing out here? Get out of there, _now_ -" 

Felix laughed and laughed and floated on his back, a vulgar display given his nudity. "Don't rush me!" He chuckled, film on water. "I'll be inside in a few minutes, Channie-" The way he stretched out that nickname was infuriating to Chan, clearly, and the way he instantly went red had Jisung giggling at his expense. This was a bad move. Jisung was closer to the edge of the pond and Chan suddenly turned a pointed glare down at him.

"And _you_ \- you little junkie, did you share that shit with him or something?" Chan barked. Jisung wasn't scared, not of this dweeb, but he didn't want anything to drive a wedge between him and Felix. Chan had remained blissfully unaware of their friendship for a long time, and if he called him a _junkie_ just for having a joint, god only knows what he'd think of their other escapades. "What's your name?"

"I was the one who shared it-" Felix smiled, paddling over to stand near Jisung. His presence was comforting - two against one, Chan had no leverage in this situation. "He's just my friend, his name is Han-" Felix had used his surname, seemingly to give Jisung a little anonymity, but there weren't many Hans in Sinsong - therefore his efforts were in vain. The kid wasn't too bright.

"Whatever. We need to talk about this, _now_. Get out of there and get dressed. You'll get a shower inside and then we'll decide what to do about this. You two are fucking lucky the cops abandoned this place," Chan rambled, angry without direction. It was sorta cute, the way he was so passionate yet so unabashedly _lame_. Jisung couldn't stop chuckling, and he whispered _your brother's pretty cute_ to Felix without thinking.

This was when Felix suddenly left the pond. Silently. He put on his swim trunks and began to walk towards his house, not looking back at Jisung or Chan even once. It all happened so fast that even Chan seemed a little worried, head turning back and forth between his little brother and the junkie in the pond like a pendulum. "Was I too harsh?" Chan asked, and it seemed to be a question directed towards himself. Jisung answered him anyway, Felix long gone from earshot.

"Not at all, bro, not at all."

* * *

** 반항2 **

  
*****

  
Chan had woken up and immediately assumed that last night hadn't happened. He had the same foggy memories one would have after a particularly vivid dream, and he expected them to vanish after a few minutes as per usual. But they didn't. Chan lay looking at the ceiling, plagued by the image of Minho's legs and the way they'd held each other, the way Chan had cried and the way Minho had stayed.

They ended up entangled for most of the night, though the intimacy never took a turn for the sexual - Chan just needed to be held and it seemed like Minho felt the same. When Chan finally sat up in his bed, he was made aware of the fact that he wasn't alone - Minho hadn't left, he'd really _slept over_. The thought was novel and thrilling to Chan, who had longed for this sort of connection with someone for so long. He'd never really gotten close enough to anyone in Sinsong to have a sleepover, not even as a child. It was a new feeling. A happy feeling.

Tentatively, he reached out and ran a hand through Minho's silky hair, just to confirm he was real. This small touch woke him up, and he blinked the sleep from his eyes as he went through the same realization process as Chan had. "Good morning-" Chan smiled weakly, a little apprehensive due to the look on Minho's face - eyes narrowed, nose scrunched in confusion. He looked disgusted, and Chan supposed that was an apt reaction.

"Good morning...your place really reeks," Minho said, voice gravely from slumber. He slowly hoisted himself into a sitting position, pretty eyes surveying the room in all its daylit glory. The cloak of darkness had hidden the state of Chan's home well, and now it had nothing to cover it up. The patches of mold on the ceiling and walls, the dirty laundry scattered on the floor, the paint that had peeled back with age. Minho did not seem to care for it, and Chan had stopped caring for it a while ago.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing Chan could think to say, and this meek reaction got a laugh out of Minho, who climbed out of bed to stretch - Chan's bed was a vacuum, his home even moreso. He feared that the further away Minho got, the less real last night would become. He didn't want to be clingy, but there was nothing he could do about that powerful ache that had begun to form in his chest.

So powerful it was that Chan had almost forgotten about Felix.

"You sleep okay?" Minho asked, extending a hand to pull Chan out of the bed and out of his thought loop. He had slept just fine, which wasn't usual. "We don't talk about last night, yeah? Let's just check if Lixie got home," He continued, not waiting for Chan's answer. Chan knew Felix wasn't home, for if he was, there would be telltale signs. Snoring. Muddy footprints. Smoke coming from the kitchen. Possibly a mess in the bathroom, depending on how drunk he'd been. Felix made his presence known.

But still, he faked like there could be some hope as he and Minho scoured the flat. "Don't worry, he's definitely still in Sinsong," Minho lied, a weird smile on his face that was difficult to decipher. He'd never been so warm to Chan before, and Chan assumed this shift in behavior was just him attempting to protect his collateral. The things Chan knew about him now. 

"Yeah, I'll probably have to take the day off-" Chan began, and Minho immediately cut in.

"We missed work already," He laughed. "My grandma probably didn't even open shop, she can't run the place on her own - we'll have to just say sorry later," Chan immediately felt awful until the things Minho had told him last night came back. He'd been right, the store was wringing him dry and giving him little in return. When he looked at it that way, it was hard to feel guilty. "You wanna have breakfast at my place? I can't eat here," He continued, grimacing at the stale scent of old wood and persistent fungi.

"Sure," Chan said shyly. He knew he was blushing and he knew that wasn't an appropriate reaction to be having, but his body acted on its own and humiliated him for all to see. He could barely get words out in front of Minho, and though their distance had lessened considerably, they were still worlds apart and Chan knew that all too well.

So in pyjamas, they exited the house and entered the scorching heat of Sinsong. As Chan was going down the stairs, he happened to look out at the horizon, at the distant woods and sickly teal sky. That was when he smelled it.

"Ah, someone's lighting up-" Minho remarked, voice sing-song and not at all nervous. Chan didn't like the smell of marijuana, it made him stressed - who knows what sort of people would go around smoking illegal substances in broad daylight? Minho didn't seem to take that thought seriously at all, strolling down the road in the direction of the corner store. 

Chan stopped in his tracks when he saw it. 

"I'll be right back," He said, panic in his voice. He should've ignored it, should've just gone to breakfast with Minho. Angry at himself for breaking out into a sprint, he cursed under his breath as his feet carried him to the filthy little pond across the road from his home. To the laughing blond head submerged in its depths. How _dare_ he, how _dare_ Felix get in the way of Chan and a delicious brunch with the man of his dreams.

How _dare_ he make Chan worry.

How _dare_ he consume Chan's life.

How _dare_ his mother. How dare she leave them like this - she knew all too well that Chan would care for Felix forever, that she could leave whenever she pleased without looking back. She knew Felix was in good hands, because she too had been in Chan's hands. How _dare_ they both dance above him, acting one with the cosmos, acting as though they were operating on a higher frequency than Chan. Chan, the everyman. 

The rage that burned inside him was so red-hot that he swore he could spit flames by the time he reached the pond's edge. The blood that ran through Felix was no more special than his own, and Chan was a fool for thinking otherwise. An even bigger fool for only coming to that realization because of his snarky co-worker. 

If Sinsong were a beast, then Felix was the parasite. And Chan was going to make sure he became aware of that, one way or another.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are very appreciated!


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